“Without the fear of arrest, I would probably punch three or four people a day…”

“… because, love ’em or hate ’em, the Police are basically all that stands between relative safety and a fucking riot in Tesco Metro.”

Jonathan Pie – UK News Reporter

Once again, a fictional News Reporter somehow manages to hit the nail firmly on the head when it comes to knife crime in the United Kingdom.

“… because, love ’em or hate ’em, the Police are basically all that stands between relative safety and a fucking riot in Tesco Metro.”

Did you know that you can follow us on ALL of the below Social Media Channels? We have a hugely popular Facebook Page (where it all began), a dedicated Twitter Guru, a Snapchat story that’s updated daily, an Instagram team AND a YouTube channel that we’re starting to develop. We also have UK Paramedic Humour and UK Firefighter Humour on Facebook. You can see any of them by clicking the buttons below!


Huge Wedding Reception Brawl Provokes Impressive Response from Merseyside Police

Meanwhile, an 18-year old female was glassed on the same busy night in Liverpool City Centre.

(Credit: Elaine Hewitt)

A mass brawl at a wedding reception provoked this impressive police response during an exceptionally busy night in Liverpool city centre.

Literally dozens of police vehicles descended on Fleet Street following reports of a “large-scale disturbance” in a private suite at Fusion Nightclub around 2320 last night.

Most Response Officers in the city raced to what is believed to be an assistance shout – resulting in the arrest of one man, aged 20, on suspicion of Affray.

Our video shows a long line of Police vehicles parked and arriving on Hanover Street, with violence reported to have commenced on Fleet Street before moving further into the town.

Enquiries into the incident are ongoing, a Merseyside Police spokesperson said. Any witnesses or anyone with information is asked to contact 101 to assist Police with their enquiries.

Fusion Nightclub were contacted for a statement, but they declined to comment.

Fusion Nightclub, Liverpool (Credit: Liverpool Echo)

Elsewhere in the city, around the same time as this disorder, Police were called to Revolution on Wood Street following reports that an 18 year-old female had suffered a serious head injury. North West Ambulance Service were already in attendance and it is understood the teenager had been glassed.

In further Valentine’s Night Drama, fire crews were also called to deal with a flat on fire on nearby Concert Square. The incident, which happened just before 0200 hours, saw three people rescued by fire crews from the third floor of a building.

“Man Down” with Greg Davies – PCSO Sketch

All credit to Channel 4 – you can view the full series on ALL4 by clicking here.

Full clip here:

Did you know that you can follow us on ALL of the below Social Media Channels? We have a hugely popular Facebook Page (where it all began), a dedicated Twitter Guru, a Snapchat story that’s updated daily, an Instagram team AND a YouTube channel that we’re starting to develop. We also have UK Paramedic Humour and UK Firefighter Humour on Facebook. You can see any of them by clicking the buttons below!


Ain’t Snow Stopping Them Now! Norwegian Police Take Part in Impromptu Shield Race

Norwegian Police showed the world their fun side by taking part in a cheeky downhill race using their riot shields as sledges.

Officers from Heimdal and Trondheim took part in the impromptu race – and then took to Social Media to share the amazing footage.

“The everyday life of the police is often characterised by seriousness,” Heimdal Police wrote in a Facebook post, adding that the race was held on a “q” night.

“Therefore, it is important to occasionally loosen the tie a little, disconnect and have some fun.”

Credit: Politiet på Heimdal

The video has been viewed on Facebook more than 56,000 times at the time of writing.


Did you know that you can follow us on ALL of the below Social Media Channels? We have a hugely popular Facebook Page (where it all began), a dedicated Twitter Guru, a Snapchat story that’s updated daily, an Instagram team AND a YouTube channel that we’re starting to develop. We also have UK Paramedic Humour and UK Firefighter Humour on Facebook. You can see any of them by clicking the buttons below!


A UK-Based Firm is Selling a £70,000 “Zombie Fortification” Cabin

Boasting a 10-year “Anti-Zombie” Guarantee, one British firm promises that they’ll keep you safe should the Zombie Apocalypse come to pass…

Tiger Sheds are advertising ‘the world’s first’ Zombie-Proof Log Cabin – designed to withstand the even the most relentless of zombie attacks.

The ZFC-1, or ‘Zombie Fortification Cabin’ in full, comes complete with a 10-year “Anti-Zombie” Guarantee – promising to be strong and secure enough to stop any walking dead from getting inside.

For a mere £69,995 you can own an entry level cabin. However, you will still need to budget for installation (sneaking in at an extra £13k right there), security cameras (£1800), a riot protection outfit and solar panels. However, if you want a flame thrower and/or a “Big Bear” water cannon, you are welcome to send them an enquiry here.

They helpfully list plenty of other home comforts that come as part of the package:

Included in the price:
Log Cabin shell (inc doors, windows, stairs)
Barbed wire on roof
3x Bunk Beds
2x Chest of drawers
Weight machines
Sofa and cushions
Coffee table
Soundsystem turntables
Plasma TV
Toilet, sink
Kitchen units with microwave

Not included:
All weapons / arsenal

Thankfully, if you’re worried about a row from the other half – you can point out that delivery is actually free. Also, keep it bookmarked because one day it might be cheaper in the sales.

However, if you are suspicious that this product isn’t entirely legitimate, the guarantee small print probably won’t help to convince you. It reads: “Please note – we require medical evidence of the presence of a real zombie should you wish to claim under the 10 year anti zombie guarantee”. There’s also the problem that should the cabin NOT live up to it’s claims – you won’t be around to make the claim. Or the world as we know it will have ended. Bigger concerns!

That said, if you DO happen to buy one – please let us know. We’ll definitely come and visit!

Police are Conveying Mental Health Patients to Hospital In 48% of All Recorded Cases

(Stock Image – click for license)

A nationwide shortage of ambulances means that police – hit by severe cutbacks themselves – are having to convey mental health patients to hospital in almost half of all reported crisis cases.

The Mental Health Code of Practice says that a patient in crisis should only ever be transferred to hospital by an NHS vehicle.

However, following a parliamentary question by the Labour Party, the Government have revealed that in 48% of crisis cases last year, a police vehicle was the only option available.

Overall, mental health patients were conveyed by Police in 52% of incidents where Section 136 of the Mental Health Act was utilised.

Ministers also conceded that, despite police conveying 9,712 people who were experiencing some sort of mental health crisis, no formal assessment of how they may have been affected by the experience has yet been ordered.

This comes as Police Forces in England and Wales face their ninth consecutive year of harsh budget cuts, having lost around 21,000 frontline officers since 2010.

Back in November, Her Majesty’s Inspectorate of Constabulary reported that forces had been left to “pick up the pieces of a broken mental health system – as well as tackle crime”, with the Metropolitan Police, the UK’s largest force, taking a mental health-related call every four minutes.

“People who are in mental health crisis are patients in need of expert medical care
– they are not suspects who require police intervention”

Simon Kempton, Operational Policing Lead, Police Federation of England and Wales

Last year, Home Secretary, Sajid Javid told the Police Federation “I’m listening and I get it” after Police Chiefs demanded more frontline staff to cope with the rise in mental health cases – as well as a spike in violent crime. However, only last week it was reported that a police pensions blackhole meant that the latest £330m government funding settlement actually delivers an 8 million pound cut in real cash terms.

Shadow Mental Health Minister, Paula Sherriff, said “It is a scandal that should shame this Government” that vulnerable people experiencing “one of the most difficult moments of their lives” are being transported to hospitals in police vehicles.

Simon Kempton, Operational Policing Lead for the Police Federation of England and Wales, said the figures laid bare how austerity was “putting some of society’s most vulnerable people at risk”.

He said: “People who are in mental health crisis are patients in need of expert medical care; they are not suspects who require police intervention – in fact in some instances the presence of Police Officers can escalate the situation making it more stressful for all involved.” He also added that mental health crisis cases were both time-consuming and left officers with less time to investigate and deal with other policing emergencies.

Alison Cobb, Specialist Policy Advisor with the mental health charity Mind said that people were more likely to reach crisis point if they don’t get help early on and that NHS services had been “underfunded for decades”. “It’s not acceptable that police vehicles are routinely used to transport people in crisis situations to places of safety because there aren’t enough ambulances,” she said. “The police are often first on the scene if someone is in crisis. But they need the right support from the NHS to make sure someone in crisis gets the help they need.”

Responding to the figures, Policing Minister Nick Hurd said: “The Home Office has not made an assessment of the impact of transporting people with mental health issues in a police car. The Mental Health Code of Practice states that a health vehicle should be used to transport mental health detainees. The Home Office are working with health and police partners to understand why police cars are used to transport people in 52% of cases and what further can be done to reduce this figure. The welfare of those the police come into contact with is paramount, and officers will be aware of this and treat people appropriately.”

Devon Firefighters Finally Realise A Lifetime Dream As They Become Police Officers

Seven firefighters are to be trained as police officers is what is believed to be a national first – as originally reported by DevonLive.

The Devon and Somerset Fire and Rescue Service on-call firefighters will be trained as special constables in a new role known as a ‘community responder’.

These new community responders will have the ability to go to both fire and police incidents, increasing not only the police presence but also the number of available on-call firefighters in communities.

The project aims to improve response times in rural locations, better connect with the public and deliver joined-up prevention activities, providing a better service to communities keeping everyone safe.
This innovative police and fire collaboration project is being funded by Devon and Cornwall’s police and crime commissioner Alison Hernandez who hopes it will improve access to the emergency services for communities in Devon.

The seven community responders have been recruited into locations where there is a need based on risk, vulnerability and harm – Cullompton, Crediton, Dartmouth, Honiton, Okehampton, Newton Abbot and Totnes.
Ms Hernandez has committed funding for an initial two years covering recruitment and ongoing training costs with the possibility of extending further. It forms part of her commitment to improving collaboration between the emergency services.

“I’m incredibly pleased to be able to support this collaboration. We don’t know what future funding will look like for any of our emergency services and working together on unique projects like this will improve the service both organisations can deliver to people in Devon.” said Ms Hernandez.

“I look forward to seeing the benefits that our communities will reap from this innovative work.”

Kevin Pearce, who will be the new community responder for Cullompton, says he was motivated to take on the role by a lifelong interest in police work.

He said: “I think this pilot will be really beneficial – it will mean I can be more of a presence in the community and a face that people will recognise and can approach about both police and fire related incidents and we can help reach more people.

“Everyone that I’ve spoken to about the project seems quite excited about it, it’s great to be able to enhance the presence of emergency services in communities where it’s needed. I’m really looking forward to being at the forefront of this trial.”

Chief Inspector Tom Holmes, the Devon and Cornwall Police lead for emergency services collaboration, said: “This project provides an excellent opportunity for both police and fire to add additional officers into our communities who will be able to approach every issue from two points of view.

“Importantly they will also be able to answer calls for service and maintain fire cover in some of our most isolated communities. This is a national first, the potential of which both services share a huge excitement about.”

Group manager Jeff Harding of Devon and Somerset Fire and Rescue Service, said they were “really pleased to take part in this initiative as it supports on-call firefighters in areas where we have recruitment challenges”.

“The service provided to people living in these towns will be enhanced as the community responders will be able to provide visibility and advice to the public across both roles,” he added.

Existing special constables are now being offered the opportunity to train as on-call firefighters to expand the number of locations where community responders will operate.

Devon and Cornwall Police has already piloted ‘tri-service safety officers’ (TSSOs), which will soon be fully deployed in areas across Cornwall after successful trials proved their value to communities. The TSSOs will be located in areas where the police, the fire and ambulance services have a limited presence and where it is difficult to deploy a resource from a single agency basis given current financial restraints.

The posts have been jointly funded by the three emergency services.

As with community responders, Devon and Cornwall Police used independent analytical research into areas of most need to decide where TSSOs will be based.

TSSOs will pick up their workload from police neighbourhood teams, but when they attend will give advice to cover all aspects of community safety and prevention, such as advice on anti-social behaviour, installation of a smoke alarm, or any medical referral/ advice.

They do not have the same powers as a police community support officer but are trained medically, to a co-responder standard, and receive firefighter training. They also have powers under the community safety accreditation scheme.
They will also have instant access to police, fire and ambulance IT systems to enable a better immediate understanding of the situation.

How to Get Yourself Nicked by Essex Police in a Few Easy Steps…

Public Service Announcement: In life, you are often faced with choices – and some of these choices have two simple outcomes. One is good and one is bad.

Take, for example, this dude. Pulled over for having an illegal window tint. He must have thought to himself, “I KNOW I could be polite, unobstructive and probably be on my way in a few minutes… but that’s not going to make for a very interesting Facebook video!”

He then proceeds to go about being a Grade A numpty, and, when threatened with arrest for non-compliance – decides that he WILL in fact be arrested.

Three hours later, he leaves the nick seemingly happy that he’s “stuck it to the man*” and even gets a lift back to his car.

Kids, there’s an easier way. Don’t be stupid, don’t be argumentative and when you’re pulled over for doing something wrong – deal with it like an adult.

*Our words, not his.

An excellent and professional job by Essex Police.


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A Senior Detective Chief Inspector Reveals the TRUTH about British Cop Show Clichés

So you thought Line of Duty was far-fetched? Well, you were WRONG!


Criminals have had it easy for years. If you want to know how to pull off the perfect crime, just watch Luther, Line of Duty or any of the million other cop shows that tell you, in exact scientific detail, how the police are going to investigate.


But, exactly how much of it is bonafide? Real detectives certainly don't run headlong into any fight without backup. They can't really trace your call by keeping you talking for 30 seconds, can they? They don't have big breakthroughs every night in the mortuary... at least, that's what we thought.


Helping DigitalSpy debunk the clichés is former Detective Chief Inspector Colin Sutton. Having served for 30 years in three different forces – including time as the Head of Intelligence for West Yorkshire Police – he has worked on 56 separate murder investigations, his cases including Levi Bellfield, the man who killed Milly Dowler, and Delroy Grant, the infamous 'Nightstalker' serial rapist.


It's the kind of CV that makes him one of the world's leading crime experts – and the kind that makes you feel really stupid for having to ask him about TJ Hooker…

1. The Lone Wolf


First up, a classic – the idea that the best detectives work alone. Usually following a heavily armed bad guy to an abandoned factory/quarry/building site, the lone-wolf cop doesn't have any choice but to rush in on their own because they haven't got time for backup, dammit!


"Yeah, that happens," chuckles Sutton. "If there's no backup there then coppers will tend to run in on their own, for sure. The reality is that they'll generally tell someone about it though. The classic cliché thing where you've got someone ploughing a lone furrow does happen, a lot, but [on TV] they never seem to tell anyone what they're doing. That's wrong."


Sutton says TV has it pretty much spot-on when it comes to individual acts of mad heroics – as long as whatever they're doing is still within the law. Sort of.


"My son's a PC in London now and we've had 'the conversation' about it. There's an old rule of thumb that someone told me when I was a young DI on my first murder… they said, 'If you have to get a piece of evidence by unlawful means, then you've still got that piece of evidence and the court might let it in. If you don't do it, you won't get the evidence and the court will never know about it.' I'm not sure how true that still is, and I'm not sure too many police officers now would want to risk their careers, but it definitely always used to be the case."




2. Good Cop, Bad Cop


We've all seen it: one detective acts all chummy before swapping with an angry bulldog in a loosened tie who starts throwing chairs around the room. Surely that's a load of guff?


"I have to say there is a degree of truth in the good cop, bad cop routine," laughs Sutton. "Maybe not in the kind of timeframe that you usually see on TV though, where it's done virtually within the same interview, in the same scene.


"How it works in practice is when one detective has had a, shall we say 'confrontational' interview, it's a common tactic to give the next one to somebody different – who will deliberately take a much softer line. So it's not quite as obvious as it is on TV but that tactic is used – and often quite effectively."


Does that mean the "confrontational interview" also starts with someone making a big show of switching off the tape recorder (so Batman can come in from the shadows)?


"No that doesn't happen." Phew. "Not these days anyway... Anybody who's being interviewed for anything half-decent has a solicitor sitting next to them now, so it couldn't happen. The only times it really happens now is where the suspect wants to say something off the record – quite often because they don't want to be seen as a grass."



3. The Phone Trace


If you're a creepy serial killer you're probably going to want to make a few threatening monologues over the phone at some point – but you'll be fine as long as you keep the call under 30 seconds, right?


Correct! It turns out the police really do have a bit of weird analogue call-tracing tech that revolves around keeping bad guys on the line for an implausibly long time!


"It's actually much easier if we know their phone number beforehand so the communications company can monitor it live for us via the transmitters," says Sutton. "That being said, there is other equipment that we use, and I don't know how well known it is to the public.


"The magic box that tells you where a phone is just because you're driving close to it actually does exist. So the longer you can keep someone talking, the more chance you've got of being able to use various bits of equipment to locate them.


"If you're somewhere in Suffolk, the phone transmitters will probably only tell us which village you're in. If you're in central London there's so many transmitters around that we can probably narrow it down to a smaller area, but the problem then becomes the population density – and we could still have hundreds of people within our search area. But using the special equipment instead, and by keeping you on the line while we use it, we can be really very accurate indeed."




4. Commandeering a vehicle


Surely this one's easy? Real police chases are handled by precision drivers – not by a local bobby who jumps on someone else's motorbike and speeds off down the high street.


"I've never done it, but it does happen," says Sutton. "It happened a lot back in the old days, especially when police officers used to patrol on foot. Black taxicabs in London were very good for that.


"There was always a bond between cab drivers and the police. They were the eyes and ears of the force. They'd often tell you things that had gone on. If there was a black cab driver nearby he'd often pull you aside and say, y'know, 'It was that bloke over there.' But the actual commandeering of public vehicles definitely does still happen on the streets."




5. The Mortuary Breakthrough


Pfft, TV shows eh? Just because it's boring to have the detectives talking about a case over a desk, they have to throw in a few scenes where everyone stands over a naked woman in the mortuary – which is usually where the case gets cracked. Gratuitous nudity aside, this is another cliché that's actually accurate.


"Oh God yeah," winces Sutton. "I've been to far more post-mortems than is healthy for one lifetime. The thing is, the way that science has evolved, post-mortems take forever. I've had them before that have gone over two full days – but certainly you're looking at a minimum of four to five hours.


"At that stage of a murder investigation, when you've got some of your other team around you, y'know, it's all fair game to discuss anything. It's a very weird and a very bleak mentality that you have to have. You're just at work, y'know?


"And I have to say, the conversations might not always be about work either. There's quite a lot of dark humour that goes on at post-mortems. It's a coping mechanism I think. If you kind of took a step back and looked at what was going on, it probably would get to you – but you keep going so it doesn't."




6. The One Cop Bar


The only place better than the morgue is the pub – the one place where every detective goes after work to discuss the intimate details of their cases with each other (and have rowdy Irish wakes). No one cares about anyone overhearing anything sensitive because everyone in there is a cop – even the guy behind the bar.


"Yeah, definitely," laughs Sutton, now finding it hilarious. "A lot of stuff gets solved in the bar. It's not quite as relevant now because the licensing laws have changed, but quite often pubs would be happy for the local police to stay in long after they'd closed.


"There was one place back in the '80s that we used to go to, and the landlady would just give us a notepad and a piece of paper and she'd go upstairs – then we'd stay and write down everything that we drank."


Which obviously means all detectives are compulsive coffee drinkers during the day too?


"Nope, that one's actually not true," says Sutton, finally.


"It's usually tea."



A version of this article first appeared on DigitalSpy and you can view their article in its entirety by clicking here!