Thanks guys – keep spreading the page so we can keep the laughs going – we certainly need them at the moment! 🙂
I’m a military policeman in the US Air Force and was temporarily stationed at RAF Lakenheath. Due to my low rank at the time, I was posted at one of the gates to the base. There was a rather large renovation effort underway, and many of the workers and deliveries came through my post. I was instructed to phone a certain number to reach the point of contact (who was British) to confirm all deliveries before allowing access to the base. That afternoon, a flatbed truck with a load of turf showed up. The driver and his helper presented their bill and identification, and I placed my call to the gentleman as I had been instructed. This is where my ignorance of British phrases reared its’ ugly head. You see, in the US, turf is called “sod.” When I called and told this nice gentleman that there were two men there with a truckload of sod for him, you can imagine his reaction. The truck driver completely lost it. When he stopped laughing and explained that in the UK, sod is an abbreviation for sodomy, I was mortified. After stammering my apology and explaining myself, I allowed the driver (who still had tears streaming down his face) and his partner on base.
I learned this valuable lesson that day: just because we both were speaking English, we weren’t necessarily talking in the same language.
He pointed behind me and asked; “Is that your car?” I turned around intending to give a sarcastic; “What? The one with ‘Police’ written on it?” – only to observe my VW Police van rolling down the hill at some speed.
I ran after it – all the while thinking – what am I ACTUALLY going to do?? I then had to watch as the said Police van went straight through a garden wall at the bottom of the street, coming to a rest in an old lady’s golf-green grass!
The Boss clearly didn’t believe that the handbrake had slipped on a brand new van we’d only had for two days as I was banned from driving for a month!
Please tell me I’m not the only one!?
The door was answered by the suspect’s elderly mum who was completely bemused by the situation and gladly allowed the officer into the house.
He explained that because her son was in custody he needed to search the premises for evidence relating to his rest.
She stood back and watched whilst he searched all the rooms.
Having searched the ground floor, he turned to the timid woman and said: ‘I’m going to have to search upstairs.’
‘You can’t.’ she replied.
‘I know it seems like I’m invading your privacy, but I have to search upstairs.’
‘I’m sorry, you can’t’, she said meekly.
‘Look, I have a search authority signed by my Inspector which gives me the power to search the whole of your premises for evidence relating to your son’s arrest. Nothing that you can say or do will stop me doing that.’ and with a flourish he strode into the hallway.
‘Suit yourself,’ the old lady called after him, ‘I live in a bungalow’.
Armed Police are gathered outside a mad blokes house and a police negotiator is using a megaphone to talk to said mad bloke inside the house. Mad bloke is throwing his phones, tv’s and various items of furniture out though the window.
Negotiator: “All I want to do is help you!”
Mad Bloke: “Only one thing will help me – and that’s death!”
Negotiator: “Who’s Geoff?”
(Stifled giggles from Armed Police)
… and that, colleagues, is why we don’t tow people in the Police!
By the way the lady was fine albeit a little shaken.