Some years ago, a colleague of mine made an arrest which required a search of the suspect’s home address. Having safely deposited his charge at the station he return to the address armed with his search papers.

Some years ago, a colleague of mine made an arrest which required a search of the suspect’s home address. Having safely deposited his charge at the station he return to the address armed with his search papers.

The door was answered by the suspect’s elderly mum who was completely bemused by the situation and gladly allowed the officer into the house.

He explained that because her son was in custody he needed to search the premises for evidence relating to his rest.

She stood back and watched whilst he searched all the rooms.
Having searched the ground floor, he turned to the timid woman and said: ‘I’m going to have to search upstairs.’

‘You can’t.’ she replied.

‘I know it seems like I’m invading your privacy, but I have to search upstairs.’

‘I’m sorry, you can’t’, she said meekly.

‘Look, I have a search authority signed by my Inspector which gives me the power to search the whole of your premises for evidence relating to your son’s arrest. Nothing that you can say or do will stop me doing that.’ and with a flourish he strode into the hallway.

‘Suit yourself,’ the old lady called after him, ‘I live in a bungalow’.

Picture the following scene.

Picture the following scene.

Armed Police are gathered outside a mad blokes house and a police negotiator is using a megaphone to talk to said mad bloke inside the house. Mad bloke is throwing his phones, tv’s and various items of furniture out though the window.

Negotiator: “All I want to do is help you!”

Mad Bloke: “Only one thing will help me – and that’s death!”

(Pause)

Negotiator: “Who’s Geoff?”

(Stifled giggles from Armed Police)

Whilst working on Traffic I came across a very elderly lady who had broken down three streets away from her house. I offered her a lift home but she was so worried about leaving her car I felt really bad and decided to break with policy and tow her home with my Police car. I attached the tow rope told the lady to use the brake sparingly and to only use the handbrake when the foot brake functionality had gone. We set off slowly and steadily and all was going well. Suddenly, at around 30mph, I took a right hand bend only to feel a sharp jolt! I looked in the mirror to see the old ladys’ car travelling straight on and straight through the garden wall of a house. I stopped and ran back to the lady asking her what had happened? She told me it wasn’t her fault and that the steering wouldn’t turn… It was then I realised that she had taken the keys out of the ignition and the steering lock had engaged. D’oh!

Whilst working on Traffic I came across a very elderly lady who had broken down three streets away from her house. I offered her a lift home but she was so worried about leaving her car I felt really bad and decided to break with policy and tow her home with my Police car. I attached the tow rope told the lady to use the brake sparingly and to only use the handbrake when the foot brake functionality had gone. We set off slowly and steadily and all was going well. Suddenly, at around 30mph, I took a right hand bend only to feel a sharp jolt! I looked in the mirror to see the old ladys’ car travelling straight on and straight through the garden wall of a house. I stopped and ran back to the lady asking her what had happened? She told me it wasn’t her fault and that the steering wouldn’t turn… It was then I realised that she had taken the keys out of the ignition and the steering lock had engaged. D’oh!

… and that, colleagues, is why we don’t tow people in the Police!

By the way the lady was fine albeit a little shaken.

Another fan story:

Another fan story:

I used to be the controller in a busy Division just outside Glasgow.
One night shift t, all was quiet, espec quiet in the nearby village where nothing ever happened after midnight.

But on this occasion, two pensioners disturbed two males stealing their 40′ flat-screen tv.

I immediately put the call over the airwaves to the local cops – “Two males disturbed… such and such street… stolen a 40′ plasma telly… more information to come.”

The cops raced out the office and shouted “Any description?”

I retorted – “If you see two guys running down the street with a 40′ plasma telly, try giving them a tug…?”

Our first fan post: (Name removed as requested)

Our first fan post: (Name removed as requested)

I was carrying out Dock Duty at Paisley Sheriff Court – the accused was up for attempted murder for stabbing his ex partner and her husband. The prosecution were leading the female victim through her evidence.

She explained how she had got up, got dressed and left her flat to go to the shops. She said she saw her assailant when she went outside.

The prosecution then ask her; “So, where did he stab you?”

Her reply: (priceless), “OUTSIDE MY FLAT.”

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver’s licence?
Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got caught drink driving.

Officer: May I see the MOT certificate and insurance for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the insurance certificate in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.

Officer: There’s a BODY in the boot?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his sergeant. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the sergeant approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Sergeant: Sir, can I see your driving licence?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Sergeant: Who’s car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the logbook, MOT certificate and insurance.

The driver owned the car.

Sergeant: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Sergeant: Would you mind opening the boot? I was told you said there’s a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Boot is opened; no body.

Sergeant: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a driving licence, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet the lying swine told you I was speeding, too…