I used to be the controller in a busy Division just outside Glasgow.
One night shift t, all was quiet, espec quiet in the nearby village where nothing ever happened after midnight.
But on this occasion, two pensioners disturbed two males stealing their 40′ flat-screen tv.
I immediately put the call over the airwaves to the local cops – “Two males disturbed… such and such street… stolen a 40′ plasma telly… more information to come.”
The cops raced out the office and shouted “Any description?”
I retorted – “If you see two guys running down the street with a 40′ plasma telly, try giving them a tug…?”
I was carrying out Dock Duty at Paisley Sheriff Court – the accused was up for attempted murder for stabbing his ex partner and her husband. The prosecution were leading the female victim through her evidence.
She explained how she had got up, got dressed and left her flat to go to the shops. She said she saw her assailant when she went outside.
The prosecution then ask her; “So, where did he stab you?”
Her reply: (priceless), “OUTSIDE MY FLAT.”
Officer: May I see your driver’s licence?
Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got caught drink driving.
Officer: May I see the MOT certificate and insurance for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the insurance certificate in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There’s a BODY in the boot?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his sergeant. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the sergeant approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Sergeant: Sir, can I see your driving licence?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Sergeant: Who’s car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the logbook, MOT certificate and insurance.
The driver owned the car.
Sergeant: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Sergeant: Would you mind opening the boot? I was told you said there’s a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Boot is opened; no body.
Sergeant: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a driving licence, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet the lying swine told you I was speeding, too…
A man is driving his car on the motorway when suddenly he sees a police car loom up behind him in his mirror. He immediately puts his foot down, reaching 60 mph, then 90 mph then finally 120 mph! Finally the police car catches up with him and he is forced to pull over.
Officer: “Didn’t you see me in the mirror?”
Driver (sweating): “Yes I did.”
Officer: “So why did you speed up then?”
Driver (looking nervously into the police car): “Well officer, my wife ran off with a policeman a week ago… I thought you were bringing her back!”
Please feel free to post stories, pictures, news articles – anything that’s funny and relates to UK Policing.
Obviously – don’t offend anyone. Don’t get anyone into trouble. Don’t compromise yourself. Change names and locations if you have a funny story.
Above all – have a chuckle!!