“Boss, I think I just reversed into a lamp post.”

“Boss, I think I just reversed into a lamp post.”

“You THINK you reversed into a lamp post?”

“Yes boss.”

“Well, I like to flatter myself that we are in the investigation business, so let’s see if we can’t do some quality deduction here. Were you driving the van?”


“Before whatever happened, happened, was the van undamaged?”


“Was the lamp post also undamaged?”


“What alerted you to the possibility of damage? Was it, by any chance, a sudden deceleration accompanied by a loud bang and the van shaking violently?”


“And, when you stopped and got out, would it be fair to say that this was the point you first became aware of damage to the van and a perilously angled lamp post?”




“Would you care to revise your original statement?”

“I reversed the van into a lamp post Sir.”

“Better. You fuckwit. Report to your Sergeant for a bollocking and get the council to fix the lamp post.”

“Thank you Sir.”

“And Constable?”


“You don’t THINK there were any members of the public between your van and the lamp post when this unfortunate meeting of Police property and street furniture occurred, do you?”

“Absolutely not, Sir.”

“No dogs, horses, goats, pigs, sheep, asses or cattle?”

“Not that I saw Sir.”

“Carry on.”

“Thank you Sir!”